I think there’s a point in all of this. It’s one I’ve made before, but I can’t help but come back to it. It seems so pertinent to me in all areas of life.
Today on his Facebook page, George Takei posted a comic-strip of a couple cuddling in bed. There are some panels of them canoodling and the gal telling the guy how nice he is to her, how well he treats her, what a nice guy he is. The joke is on the final panel when she says: “I feel bad for you though… It’s gonna hurt like a sonofabitch when I decide to leave you for some manipulative bad-boy.”
Let’s leave the douche-baggery of the typical woman-hating comments that comic prompted aside for a moment. I want to focus on those comments that were mainly along these lines:
“It has happened to me about…. 3 times or so.”
“uh HUH! Yup! Exactly. This is exactly what will happen to all the overly-emotional, spineless dudes out there who think that that’s the way to a woman’s heart.”
“I had a girlfriend exactly like this. So typical.”
“Story of my life!”
“If it didn’t happen all the time, this wouldn’t even exist! Sure not all women are this way, but an overwhelming majority seem to not care about what the guy is like as much as how much swag he has.”
“I thought as myself as the nice guy b4. Felt hurt all the time. But now I’m like “F**k It!!””
“Sounds about right!”
“This happened to me. The girl even said she knew the guy is going to beat her. And he did. I was lucky to get rid of that idiot.”
“Nice guys finish last. I don’t understand why woman likes guys that treat them like shit?!!!!!”
You get the picture.
Can you see the common thread? And no it’s not the generally tendency to hate on women, although there is A LOT of that on the wider thread.
The commonality is that none of these comments, or the thousands of similar comments posted, reflect any self-awareness at all about their experiences. None of these people seem to take responsibility for themselves.
Now granted, a small comment is not enough room to make that judgement definitively. So I use them only as examples of a broader topic. That is the generally tendency we have to need to believe that it is something else other than us that is to blame for our unhappiness – and most of the time in love, we’ll blame it on the gender. As if there is a biological imperative that makes members of the sex we find attractive singularly unable to appreciate us. Which of course masks a much deeper malaise – the idea that actually, if I drill down too deep, I’ll discover that it’s not them that’s a ‘stupid, idiotic, worthless piece of shit’, but actually it’s me.
You can apply this to any issue in life – love, work, friendship, whether you’ve met your potential in life. These are all things that come down to a series of choices we make, but that we generally make unconsciously. And it’s not easy man – it’s fucking hard really – to look at yourself and take responsibility for all of that.
So I don’t say this to shame them. Unfortunately we’ve not been taught to view ourselves as the authors of our own experiences or given the tools to lovingly nurture this part of ourselves into health. We are taught to victimise ourselves twice-over by projecting our hurt or bad experiences onto someone else - anything else – as long as we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves.
I’ve been guilty of it myself.
In love, it goes something like this: Person X treated me badly. They didn’t treat me the way I deserved. They used me and abused me. Or they took what they needed and then they left me. I was so good to them. I loved them so much. I gave them so much. And what they gave me in return was a pile of shit.
Then Person Y came along. He/ she was no better. They didn’t treat me the way I deserved. They used me and abused me. I loved them so much. I gave them so much. And what they gave me in return was a pile of shit.
Then Person Z came along. They didn’t treat me the way I deserved…. etc etc. Why are all men/ women losers? I hate them! I’m going to treat the next person who comes along mean in return because clearly they are biologically incapable of being loving.
Confession: at one point in my life, this was me. Okay – not the ‘treating the next person mean’ bit. I’ve never actually been capable of that. But at one point I was sure – deep in my bones – that all men were hurtful and I suspected that they were simply incapable of being giving and loving in the way that women were. True story. You may not think it to look at me now, but the people closest to me know the long battle I waged against those demons. Old grizzly demons with big teeth.
There comes a point though, after the third or fourth such experience, when you really ought to look at yourself and go – what’s the common thread here. Is it everybody else? Or could it actually be… me?
These questions help: how are am I turning up in life and love? Am I giving people the permission to treat me badly by not standing up for myself? Do I speak up for myself? Did I speak my truth? Do I recognise good behaviour when I see it? Can I distinguish between someone who is worth my time and effort and someone who is not? What are my deal breakers? Did I stick by them? Did I follow my intuition? Did I ignore the red-flags? Can I stand by my behaviour? Did I play the victim? Did I give over all my power?
The point of these questions then in my mind, isn’t for us to victimise ourselves thrice-over by blaming ourselves for everything. It is merely to reclaim our power – to recognise that we are the authors of our lives. That we give permission in often subtle ways for people to devalue us and treat us less well than we deserve. And we can choose to be constant victims – and blame our misfortune in life and love on biology, fate and the pure mean-spiritedness of others, or the general crappiness of the world. Or we can choose to reclaim our power, learn from our experiences, set better boundaries and expectations and open ourselves up to greater and bigger love as a result.
Someone wise said to me the other day that being in love and receiving someone else's love comes with great responsibility. And I believe this to be powerfully true. We need to be responsible to each other but also to ourselves and for ourselves.
No more victimisation. No more buying into the idea of ‘Mr Nice Guy Who Perpetually Loses At Love’.
Better to be a genuinely Great Person, with lots of genuine love for yourself and everyone around you and with the responsibility to be accountable to yourself and for yourself. Then you’ll never lose. You’ll only ever win.
Just a thought.
Today on his Facebook page, George Takei posted a comic-strip of a couple cuddling in bed. There are some panels of them canoodling and the gal telling the guy how nice he is to her, how well he treats her, what a nice guy he is. The joke is on the final panel when she says: “I feel bad for you though… It’s gonna hurt like a sonofabitch when I decide to leave you for some manipulative bad-boy.”
Let’s leave the douche-baggery of the typical woman-hating comments that comic prompted aside for a moment. I want to focus on those comments that were mainly along these lines:
“It has happened to me about…. 3 times or so.”
“uh HUH! Yup! Exactly. This is exactly what will happen to all the overly-emotional, spineless dudes out there who think that that’s the way to a woman’s heart.”
“I had a girlfriend exactly like this. So typical.”
“Story of my life!”
“If it didn’t happen all the time, this wouldn’t even exist! Sure not all women are this way, but an overwhelming majority seem to not care about what the guy is like as much as how much swag he has.”
“I thought as myself as the nice guy b4. Felt hurt all the time. But now I’m like “F**k It!!””
“Sounds about right!”
“This happened to me. The girl even said she knew the guy is going to beat her. And he did. I was lucky to get rid of that idiot.”
“Nice guys finish last. I don’t understand why woman likes guys that treat them like shit?!!!!!”
You get the picture.
Can you see the common thread? And no it’s not the generally tendency to hate on women, although there is A LOT of that on the wider thread.
The commonality is that none of these comments, or the thousands of similar comments posted, reflect any self-awareness at all about their experiences. None of these people seem to take responsibility for themselves.
Now granted, a small comment is not enough room to make that judgement definitively. So I use them only as examples of a broader topic. That is the generally tendency we have to need to believe that it is something else other than us that is to blame for our unhappiness – and most of the time in love, we’ll blame it on the gender. As if there is a biological imperative that makes members of the sex we find attractive singularly unable to appreciate us. Which of course masks a much deeper malaise – the idea that actually, if I drill down too deep, I’ll discover that it’s not them that’s a ‘stupid, idiotic, worthless piece of shit’, but actually it’s me.
You can apply this to any issue in life – love, work, friendship, whether you’ve met your potential in life. These are all things that come down to a series of choices we make, but that we generally make unconsciously. And it’s not easy man – it’s fucking hard really – to look at yourself and take responsibility for all of that.
So I don’t say this to shame them. Unfortunately we’ve not been taught to view ourselves as the authors of our own experiences or given the tools to lovingly nurture this part of ourselves into health. We are taught to victimise ourselves twice-over by projecting our hurt or bad experiences onto someone else - anything else – as long as we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves.
I’ve been guilty of it myself.
In love, it goes something like this: Person X treated me badly. They didn’t treat me the way I deserved. They used me and abused me. Or they took what they needed and then they left me. I was so good to them. I loved them so much. I gave them so much. And what they gave me in return was a pile of shit.
Then Person Y came along. He/ she was no better. They didn’t treat me the way I deserved. They used me and abused me. I loved them so much. I gave them so much. And what they gave me in return was a pile of shit.
Then Person Z came along. They didn’t treat me the way I deserved…. etc etc. Why are all men/ women losers? I hate them! I’m going to treat the next person who comes along mean in return because clearly they are biologically incapable of being loving.
Confession: at one point in my life, this was me. Okay – not the ‘treating the next person mean’ bit. I’ve never actually been capable of that. But at one point I was sure – deep in my bones – that all men were hurtful and I suspected that they were simply incapable of being giving and loving in the way that women were. True story. You may not think it to look at me now, but the people closest to me know the long battle I waged against those demons. Old grizzly demons with big teeth.
There comes a point though, after the third or fourth such experience, when you really ought to look at yourself and go – what’s the common thread here. Is it everybody else? Or could it actually be… me?
These questions help: how are am I turning up in life and love? Am I giving people the permission to treat me badly by not standing up for myself? Do I speak up for myself? Did I speak my truth? Do I recognise good behaviour when I see it? Can I distinguish between someone who is worth my time and effort and someone who is not? What are my deal breakers? Did I stick by them? Did I follow my intuition? Did I ignore the red-flags? Can I stand by my behaviour? Did I play the victim? Did I give over all my power?
The point of these questions then in my mind, isn’t for us to victimise ourselves thrice-over by blaming ourselves for everything. It is merely to reclaim our power – to recognise that we are the authors of our lives. That we give permission in often subtle ways for people to devalue us and treat us less well than we deserve. And we can choose to be constant victims – and blame our misfortune in life and love on biology, fate and the pure mean-spiritedness of others, or the general crappiness of the world. Or we can choose to reclaim our power, learn from our experiences, set better boundaries and expectations and open ourselves up to greater and bigger love as a result.
Someone wise said to me the other day that being in love and receiving someone else's love comes with great responsibility. And I believe this to be powerfully true. We need to be responsible to each other but also to ourselves and for ourselves.
No more victimisation. No more buying into the idea of ‘Mr Nice Guy Who Perpetually Loses At Love’.
Better to be a genuinely Great Person, with lots of genuine love for yourself and everyone around you and with the responsibility to be accountable to yourself and for yourself. Then you’ll never lose. You’ll only ever win.
Just a thought.
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